Looking Back

They say that looking back to where you first were is a good way of keeping your feet on the ground. Some have claimed that revisiting, or reminiscing how things were is a validation of one's humble beginnings.The idea kept running on my mind but I never fully understood it until I was reminded of the past, through a can of sardines, eggs and potatoes.

It was a hot summer afternoon, way back, when my mom came home giddy with excitement. She told me that she's going to leave her job as a cook to be a  household helper to a different employer. I was hesitant because she's been working for a decade and earning good bucks to just start again. Her bosses were good to me, I remember them giving me money for school secretly because they wanted my mom's burden to be lighter, given she's a single mom, and the one who takes care of the household.

Though I do not approve of it, I still supported my mom to risk and take a chance.

"Bakit ka ba lilipat eh, okay ka naman sa trabaho mo ngayon? At mas mataas ang sahod mo dyan," my older brother asking her.

I smiled hearing him voicing out.

"Sabi kasi sakin ng Ate Cecil mo, lipat muna ako sa kanila. Aasikasuhin nya yung mga papers ko para makapunta ako sa Japan. Ako ang mag-aalaga sa apo nya run. Pwede rin ako kumuha ng ibang trabaho sa gabi."

Hearing that, and knowing Cecil has been a friend to the family for years, I didn't even have the slightest of doubt. I knew it will happen. A brighter future for the family.

And yes, I was wrong.

Mom had to go to the province for a week to fix some stuff. When she came back, Cecil already had a new helper. She didn't even talk to mom about it. My mom tried contacting her but she never answered any of her messages or calls.

To cut the story short, Cecil dumped mom, for reasons we don't know.

"Hindi naman talaga ako aalis sa dati kong amo kung hindi nangako si Cecil na pupunta ako ng Japan," mom said, crying.

We were devastated. It's a gamble we weren't given a chance of winning. She risked and had a broken heart. It's really painful seeing your mom cry.

My aunts learned about it and helped. They've given us enough stocks, NFA Rice, some sardines and potatoes. We were deeply moved, given that even them, do not have much to give but still lent their hands.

For the next few weeks, we got nothing to eat. My brother was a bum. I was a student. My mom tried to make both ends meet but she just could not finance everything. Loans were gaining interest. There was rent to pay. There were bills to settle. I realized that I had to stop school and find a way to earn. It was heartbreaking on my part since I'd be leaving something that has been part of my routine. I tried to look at the bigger picture and realized that I could always go back to school.

I applied for a promodiser post in a famous mall near our place. I was hired. On the first day of my training, I didn't attend. I realized that I didn't study 2 years in college just to work there. (No hate here, but I know what I'm capable of). Luckily, after a month, I landed on a job that pays good and is easy.


* * *

Last Tuesday, I asked my mom to prepare sardines and potatoes for lunch. She asked why all of a sudden I'd want to eat those. I just told her that I miss eating those. She didn't believe. I told her that I'd want to look back on the things that helped us survive on our darkest days.
The lunch was great. Sardine and Potato Omelet, but this time, no more NFA Rice. When I started working I promised myself that I won't eat NFA again. (Sorry, but it's just my preference. I don't mean to belittle anyone. I apologize if any find this statement offensive)

I guess looking back is okay if it helps you be better, if it makes you compare things from bad to good, if it teaches you a lesson that no matter how shit the day is, the next day will always be different.

There is hope. Of course, there is. We just have to keep on believing.




*I was supposed to post my picture way back for you to see how depressed and thin I was, but I didn't. I don't want to ruin your day. LOL*